How Can I Resist Pornography?

How Can I Resist Pornography?

The following is a resource for June 13, 2021, Young Men and Young Women lesson discussing pornography as part of the Come Follow Me curriculum. Here's the lesson: How Can I Resist Pornography?

Our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness—they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society—they are the essence of charity, or love; and therefore never fail, but endure forever. – Essential Parley P. Pratt, Chapter 10 “Intelligence and Affection”

… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover. Elder Oaks What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?

---

***Authors Note: This lesson is designed to meet the needs of a diverse audience and forums; adults, children, leadership, Sunday School, Elder Quorum, Relief Society, Firesides, etc. Please prayerfully select the sections and content/sections you believe are MOST applicable to the audience and purpose of your lesson. Due to the complexity and frequent misconceptions around this topic, I’ve intentionally included a comprehensive resource. There is NO expectation for ALL the material listed below to be covered in a brief 15-30 min lesson, please plan accordingly.***

---

This resource is divided into the following sections:

1. Background - 'The Why'

2. How Can I Resist Pornography? - Outline

3. Love Versus Fear

4. Counsel Together

5. Lesson Activity and Discussion

6. Lesson Resources

7. Quotes About Marital Intimacy

8. Addressing Concerns

Due to the nature of this particular lesson on pornography and chastity, I offer a background of my ‘why’ for providing this resource. This Background section is NOT needed for the lesson but many might find it helpful and relatable. If you want to skip to the actual lesson prep section, scroll down to “How Can I Resist Pornography?” or click the link in the menu.

---

Background - 'The Why'

No greater responsibility can rest upon any man (or woman) than to be a teacher of God’s children. — Elder David O. McKay, Conference Report, Oct. 1916, 57.

Without a doubt, I’ve experienced the greatest insights, edification, and lifting up of souls when I approach teaching with this sense of great responsibility. There is a beauty that results when one pours their heart, mind, and soul into studying the teachings of Christ. In spite of mortal limitations and weaknesses, thoughts are guided by the spirit in a way that edifies and draws the teacher and student closer to God. Anyone who has taught the gospel of Christ has most likely had this experience. It changes your life in some way each time it happens. This edification comes from one’s prayerful guidance and spiritual influence. At times the spirit takes you beyond the provided lesson material or guides you in a direction that builds on the basic concepts presented. I testify that there is no greater calling than to be a teacher. There is no more universal way to emulate Christ than to honor the sacred opportunities to teach.

In the following, I’m going to provide real examples (names changed) of how teaching from a place of hope, clarity, and love has a more positive and lasting effect on souls than teaching with fear.

Rachel (F54): "Since joining ARP five years ago, my issues with porn have increased. I’m so confused. I don’t want this filth in my life, but I can’t seem to go more than a few weeks at a time without slipping. If my faith and ARP can’t help me, is it too late for me?"

---

Caleb (M16): Came in feeling absolutely hopeless. “I have been doing everything the bishop said I should, and it makes no difference," he said. He recounted hearing the same counsel from his bishop and parents over and over: read your scriptures, memorize hymns, pray, try harder, think of something different, etc. Through sobs, he talked about praying that these feelings and desires would just go away so he wouldn’t look at porn anymore. What started as 5 to 10 minute prayers had become one to two hour-long desperate pleadings that his “temptations and desires” would just go away. When prayer didn’t work to eliminate these feelings, his faith began to wane. He truly struggled as he first began to doubt himself and then God. He was at the end of his rope.

---

David (M48): "Help me please, I don’t know what to do, I’m scared. We have spent almost all our retirement ($50,000+) on one of the best porn addiction treatment programs available. But at best, I still struggle with porn use as I did prior to treatment, but if I’m honest with myself it’s probably worse now. But no one knows. I’m afraid to tell my wife. Because if the best treatment can’t help me, what does that mean about me?"

---

Jordan (M15): "I’ve destroyed my chances of marrying my future wife and I have disappointed my children. What’s the point of even going on living anymore? I can’t stop looking at porn and I don’t want to become a sexual predator."

---

Allison (F34): Feeling the years of struggle weighing on her and wondering if her faith was ever real, she had followed every piece of counsel and still felt that hope was wearing thin. Before giving up, she wanted to try one last time to get professional help, as a final reassurance to herself that she had done everything she could before calling it quits. She recognized that doing more of the same wasn’t working, and decided to include a therapist in her recovery process. She found me in a listing of Latter-day Saint counselors and reached out. Allison bravely explained her situation in raw honesty. She was out of options. Her leaders didn’t know what else to offer her other than the counsel to pray, study, and have “more faith.” But she was already doing all of those things without success. She simply didn’t know what else she could possibly do.

---

Scott Cannon (M30s): Stood in front of his congregation and spoke openly about his lifelong struggle with pornography: a struggle that he saw as an addiction and, because he believed what he was told at church, a struggle that would likely ruin his life.

“By age 16 when I looked at myself in the mirror I saw someone no good Mormon girl would ever marry," Cannon said over the pulpit. "I saw someone who was losing the battle with Satan. I hated myself. I hated what I had become. I regretted that I had ever been born.”

Cannon says it was a kind of on-again/off-again relationship with pornography. There were periods of months and years where he successfully avoided it. He began hoping that when it came his time to die and meet God, it would happen during one of those clean streaks. That thinking led him to a very dangerous conclusion.

“I realized that my best and perhaps only option would be to choose for myself when I would go to meet God," said Cannon.

He was suicidal. And then he kind of snapped out of it. He started doing research of his own and discovered that from a clinical perspective, pornography was not nearly as destructive as he had thought. Stigma Of Pornography Brings Consequences Of Its Own

---

Meredith (F43): Found out her husband was viewing pornography. She had sounded frantic on the phone, so I made room for her in my schedule that same night.

“My entire marriage feels like a lie,” Meredith tearfully shared. The evening before, she had picked up his phone to look something up online since she had left her phone upstairs. As she typed her search into the address bar, the browser started suggesting pornographic sites. She checked the browser history and found various websites that he had been visiting repeatedly.

She continued, her words full of confusion and anger, “I prayed all day about how to approach him about it. I tried to talk with him when he got home about what I had found last night. He got so upset and just kept denying it over and over. I finally grabbed his phone from him and showed him the browser history. He got quiet and said that he has been looking at porn all through our marriage and was masturbating to it too. We’ve been married for nine years! This has been going on for nine years!”

She thought she had a strong, solid marriage and an absolute best friend. He was always a doting husband, and she never felt like anything was amiss. He was a fantastic father who set a good example for the kids and was always there for them. She seemed unable to make sense of the discrepancy between the way she had always regarded him and what she was now learning about him.

“How could this happen?” Meredith demanded. “How can he just throw away our temple marriage like this?” She suddenly felt trapped in a marriage with someone she couldn’t trust and feared how this would affect her and their kids’ future. She wondered if it was best for her and the kids to leave the “dangerous” influences of her husband's behavior. She desperately wanted to feel hopeful but couldn’t see how to, based on the damage she believed pornography caused to a person.

---

What do these real-life examples have in common? They were all taught the ‘harms’ of pornography in their lessons on chastity in church. But never HOW to have thriving, loving relationships that had the skills to navigate difficult topics like pornography use.

They are not exceptions, they are not alone. As a mental health therapist specializing in the treatment of porn/sex issues, I can tell you that no one is immune to these unfortunate and false views. Bishops, Relief Society Presidents, youth, parents, these unchristlike perspectives deny the atonement and harm individuals and families more than viewing porn harms the individual and family. Having worked with leaders throughout the world, helping them to address the problem of pornography in their Wards and Branches, I can tell you firsthand how destructive these views are.

Now compare the experiences of those above with these real-life examples.

---

Leanne is a wife of 31 years: When my husband and I started the journey of turning towards each other in all of the aspects of our lives and began to create a truly intimate marriage, the “need” for my husband to turn to porn left him. And my “need” to constantly check up on him left me. And I was healed from being stuck in betrayal trauma. The connection that we made in turning towards one another to proactively create what we really wanted for our marriage was the answer to porn not being an issue for either of us from that point forward. Turning towards each other healed both of us. Read and listen to her full experience here: How Desiring to Understand My Husband’s Struggle Led to Healthy Dialogue and Healing and Discovering My Own Sexuality

---

Allison (F34): "The moment I changed my prayers from 'help me to stop viewing porn' to 'help me understand my sexual desires,' there was an immediate change that came over me. It felt freeing and I felt God’s love pour over me in a way I haven’t felt before. The desire to view porn melted away, some temptation but nothing like before, it was easily manageable. I’m no longer scared of porn."

---

David (M48): "It seems so obvious now. I was giving porn way too much power by always framing my strategy around avoiding temptation and the consequences of porn. However, when I turned to the Lord and talked with him about my sexual desires, it felt very weird at first, and like something was trying to keep me from doing it. Maybe the adversary, maybe the years of addiction treatment, I’m not sure. But once I pushed through the awkward, it was like a sense of clarity and hope I’d been longing for all this time. The temptation hasn’t left completely, but the more I learn about my body and my desires the easier it gets."

---

Again, these are just a few examples of how teaching correct principles in a christ-like way empowers people to their full potential. Unfortunately, in the hopes to ‘warn’ of potential dangers, many end up only teaching, embellishing, or pulling from the worst examples. Instead of focusing on how to learn of our desires and including God in that process, the teaching focus is overcome by fear and an “avoid at all cost” mentality. As Carl Jung put it, “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size”!

Unfortunately, I believe this particular lesson; “How Can I Resist Pornography?” is similar to the chewed-up bubble gum, fence with a nail, or the old wedding dress lessons many of us adults experienced growing up. Let us learn from the past and refocus on the central message of Jesus Christ.

The hope with this particular lesson resource is that it will help each of you with that sacred process of preparing to teach and delivering this message in a way that is in harmony with the doctrine of Christ -- one that fosters hope in the recipient, and prepares them to address the challenge of pornography in their life.

It’s impossible to provide all the right answers and information in a lesson written for a general worldwide audience and in a comparatively very short time frame. Most will only have 15-25 mins to deliver a core message -- and for a topic as big as pornography and chastity, it’s critical that core truths and a message of love is shared clearly in that invaluable amount of time. I assure you, just like you remember the scary, fear-based chastity lessons of your youth, these children will remember these 15-25 minute chastity or porn lessons for the rest of their lives. Therefore, this is the opportunity for you to make a Christlike impression that will fortify these youth (and yourself) for the rest of their lives.

Unfortunately, the resources the Church offers are not always ideal, and we shouldn’t expect the Church to provide for ALL our lesson preparation. Elder Ballard has expressed his concern that we as Latter-day Saints "expect too much from Church leaders" and has strongly encouraged us TO SEEK out experts, even outside the church. He said;

…it is important to remember that I am a General Authority, but that does not make me an authority in general!

My calling and life experiences allow me to respond to certain types of questions. There are other types of questions that require an expert in a specific subject matter. This is exactly what I do when I need an answer to such questions: I seek help from others, including those with degrees and expertise in such fields.

I worry sometimes that members expect too much from Church leaders and teachers—­expecting them to be experts in subjects well beyond their duties and responsibilities. The Lord called the apostles and prophets to invite ­others to come unto Christ—not to obtain advanced degrees in ancient history, biblical studies, and other fields that may be useful in answering all the questions we may have about scriptures, history, and the Church. Our primary duty is to build up the Church, teach the doctrine of Christ, and help those in need of help...

If you have a question that requires an expert, please take the time to find a thoughtful and qualified expert to help you. There are many on this campus and elsewhere who have the degrees and expertise to respond and give some insight to most of these types of questions.

Fortunately, the Lord provided this counsel for those asking questions:

Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of ­wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.

If you have a question that requires an expert, please take the time to find a thoughtful and qualified expert to help you. There are many on this campus and elsewhere who have the degrees and expertise to respond and give some insight to most of these types of questions.

Now let’s turn our attention to a few of the questions you have submitted to me. I reviewed them to cover as broadly as possible the same topics mentioned many different times. Questions and Answers Elder Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles November 14, 2017

How Can I Resist Pornography? - Outline

Due to the complexity, misinformation, and sensitivity of this topic please consider approaching this lesson in the following ways;

1. Spirit of prayer and fasting;

As you seek the guidance and wisdom of the spirit, your mind and heart will be able to decipher truth from error and teach this topic. You will also know how to present this lesson in a tone of love that will be the most effective in helping the recipient follow the covenant path.

2. Start class with YM/YW Theme and Counsel Together
3. Review the section on Love Versus Fear
4. Prayerfully select which resources to prepare with and discuss with class;

The resources provided in this lesson are intended only as preparation material. It’s impossible to cover all the resources and topics, in the time allotted. Therefore, prayerfully select the concepts you believe are best for your participants. Also, if you haven’t already read through the Background - 'The Why', doing so might help you prepare for this lesson.

5. Optional: Section Quotes About Marital Intimacy and Addressing Concerns is an additional resource to help navigate potential concerns.

LOVE VERSUS FEAR

A better way to teach is with love. Undoubtedly, each of your YM or YW will be uncomfortable talking about chastity and pornography. You might even be uncomfortable teaching this lesson. Embrace the awkward with love. Unfortunately, this awkwardness is a result of teaching this topic out of fear, not love.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf made this profound observation when he stated in General Conference;

People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

Frequently, Latter-day Saints attend therapy to address their pornography use after years of working with their Bishop, Stake President, or attending ARP or another 12-step program. In nearly 100% of these cases, their struggle to succeed is a result of fear-based sexual health, chastity lessons, or the recovery program they are using. Elder Uchtdorf further cautions the use of fear, even if it seems ‘effective’;

It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

Therefore, please prayerfully consider how fear is influencing your understanding of pornography and how you can follow the counsel of President Uchtdorf by teaching “a better way” with love.

My message has two purposes today: The first is to urge us to contemplate and consider the extent to which we use fear to motivate others—including ourselves. The second is to suggest a better way. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

Counsel Together

Led by a member of the quorum or class presidency; approximately 10–20 minutes

At the beginning of the meeting, repeat together the Young Women Theme or the Aaronic Priesthood Quorum Theme. Then lead a discussion about the work of salvation and exaltation using one or more of the questions below or questions of your own. (see General handbook, (10.2), (11.2),ChurchofJesusChrist.org). Plan ways to act on what you discuss.

Live the gospel. What recent experiences have strengthened our testimonies?

Care for those in need. Who needs our help and prayers? What do we feel impressed to do to help them?

Invite all to receive the gospel. How can we be a light to family members or friends who don’t share our beliefs?

Unite families for eternity. How can we show more love and support for our families and make a positive difference in our homes?

At the end of the lesson, as appropriate, do the following:

Testify of the principles taught.

Remind quorum or class members about the plans and invitations made during the meeting.

Aaronic Priesthood Quorum Theme

I am a beloved son of God, and He has a work for me to do.

With all my heart, might, mind, and strength, I will love God, keep my covenants, and use His priesthood to serve others, beginning in my own home.

As I strive to serve, exercise faith, repent, and improve each day, I will qualify to receive temple blessings and the enduring joy of the gospel.

I will prepare to become a diligent missionary, loyal husband, and loving father by being a true disciple of Jesus Christ.

I will help prepare the world for the Savior’s return by inviting all to come unto Christ and receive the blessings of His Atonement.

Young Women Theme

I am a beloved daughter of heavenly parents, with a divine nature and eternal destiny.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I strive to become like Him. I seek and act upon personal revelation and minister to others in His holy name.

I will stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.

As I strive to qualify for exaltation, I cherish the gift of repentance and seek to improve each day. With faith, I will strengthen my home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, and receive the ordinances and blessings of the holy temple.

Lesson Activity and Discussion

A variety of discussion topics are provided below, prayerfully select the discussion topics you believe will best meet the needs of your class.

1. Assign your YM/YW to watch Changing the narrative around the addiction story, LDS Neuroscientist Cameron Staley Ph.D. in preparation to discuss how we can have a more loving and Christ-like approach to pornography.

• How does Cameron Staley Ph.D. suggest we change the narrative around pornography use?

• Does this feel like a more loving, inviting, and encouraging approach? What about it feels more loving?

• How do you feel this approach will improve your relationship with yourself, your Heavenly Parents, your future spouse, and your future children?

2. Have class review and discuss Why Was Corianton’s Sin So Serious?

• How can understanding the doctrine in the Book of Mormon correctly help us to follow the covenant path and avoid fear and sexual shame?

Sexual sin was NOT equivalent to “shedding innocent blood and denying the Holy Ghost.” Rather, it was the act of leading others into apostasy through sinful behavior that was, in Alma’s view, next to shedding innocent blood and denying the Holy Ghost in seriousness. Given that he himself was once guilty of that particular crime (Mosiah 27; Alma 36), Alma’s pleading with Corianton to repent is all the more powerful (Alma 39:9–13).

see also related articles;

• Scriptural Chastity Lessons: Joseph and Potiphar's Wife; Corianton and the Harlot Isabel

• The Sin “Next to Murder”: An Alternative Interpretation

3. In his article Recovering from the Trap of Pornography, by Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Oaks warns against calling pornography viewing an ‘addiction’.

Also see the Churches offical page on NOT calling pornography use as an addiction: What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?

• What does Elder Oaks say is the risk of labeling someone as a porn addict?

Answer could include:

“… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover.”

• How might calling something an addiction prevent someone from repenting and having hope in the atonement?

• In the official Church resource "What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?" Instructs us to NOT call pornography use an "Addiction". What reasons does it give for this requests? What does this resource say should be considered in assessing the serioiusness of the pornography use? Why is considering these points of assessment critical in supporting the individual?

Answer could include:

"As you encourage individuals to understand their use of pornography as something more than just a sign of moral weakness, they can determine what, if any, additional resources they need. For example, pornography use usually has several contributing factors (such as biological, psychological, social, and spiritual). Resources needed will depend upon the severity of individual’s behavior and how he or she is dealing with the issue."

Frequency

Frequency refers to how often an individual engages in the behavior. Sporadic viewing of pornography indicates a milder problem, although this conduct is still clearly inappropriate. The more frequently an individual views pornography, the more serious the problem.

Duration

Duration refers to how long an individual has been engaged in the behavior. If an individual has been unable to stop viewing pornography for a period of years, it will most likely be more difficult for him or her to overcome the behavior than if he or she has only been using pornography for a short period of time.

Intensity

Intensity refers to the nature of the material viewed. While all pornographic images and content are inappropriate, some types of material are significantly more degrading. As you learn about a member’s issue, it is important to note the type of pornography he or she has been viewing.

For example, media that depict sexual acts are more intense and graphic than photographs of individuals wearing little or no clothing. Some pornographic material is violent or involves children. If you become aware of any viewing, purchasing, or distributing of child pornography, contact civil authorities. A help line is also available for the bishop in dealing with this issue.

Risk-Taking

Risk-taking tendencies or behaviors related to pornography use are another indicator of how severe the challenge may be. The more an individual is willing to risk to view pornography, the more difficult it generally is for him or her to discontinue its use. Risk-taking activities may include missing school, work, or other commitments; engaging in unlawful, covert, or dishonest behavior; or similar actions. Risk-taking behavior in adults may lead to loss of employment, divorce, family disruption, or criminal activity.

4. In Daniel A. Burgess LMFT interview, Is Pornography Always an ADDICTION??, he suggests a few ways leadership can support its members struggling with pornography with a more loving and Christ-like approach.

• For the best protection against pornography, what does Daniel suggest Bishops should do with members confessing pornography use?

Answer could include:

• Encourage partaking of the sacrament and attending the temple.

• Changing prayer language from “how to stop pornography” to seeking greater love and understanding of their sexual development and desires.

• How can partaking of the sacrament and attending the temple bring us closer to God when struggling with pornography?

• How does changing our language in prayer foster love over fear?

5. Study “Whoever Looks at a Woman With Lust”: Misinterpreted Bible Passages #1.

• In what ways does Jason A. Staples Ph.D. say we incorrectly use and understand “lust” according to Matthew 5:27–28?

• What are the four reasons Jason A. Staples Ph.D. gives for why misunderstanding Matthew 5:27–28 is dangerous?

6. Request participants, to either watch “Why Is Porn A Problem?” or show sections in class.

• Explore with the class what the experts say is the reason why some can't stop looking at pornography?

• What are their responses to the questions or thoughts on, are we evil for viewing porn?

• How do they suggest moving forward and recovering?

• What do the experts say for the reason porn viewing can hurt oneself and their spouse?

• Open discussion; Have the class share what they found most insightful, or helpful in the “Why Is Porn A Problem?” video. How do their new insights bring us closer to our Heavenly Parents and increase our hope?

Depending on the maturity and readiness of the class you might also consider reviewing the relationship aspects discussed in “Why Is Porn A Problem?”

• How can we prepare now for a future spouse who might view pornography?

• In what ways can we support our spouse or future spouse?

Lesson Resources

Prior to teaching this lesson have your class read, watch, listen, in part or full the following resources:

1. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear By President Dieter F. Uchtdorf Second Counselor in the First Presidency

2. Why Was Corianton’s Sin So Serious?

see also related articles;

• Scriptural Chastity Lessons: Joseph and Potiphar's Wife; Corianton and the Harlot Isabel

• The Sin “Next to Murder”: An Alternative Interpretation

3. Recovering from the Trap of Pornography By Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

4. Changing the narrative around the addiction story, LDS Neuroscientist Cameron Staley Ph.D.

5. Is Pornography Always an ADDICTION??

6. Rethinking Porn Addiction

7. “Whoever Looks at a Woman With Lust”: Misinterpreted Bible Passages #1

8. The Naked People In Your iPod

Paul Malan · The Naked People In Your iPod

9. Is Masturbation a Sin?

10. Official LDS resource: What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?

    “… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover.”

"As you encourage individuals to understand their use of pornography as something more than just a sign of moral weakness, they can determine what, if any, additional resources they need. For example, pornography use usually has several contributing factors (such as biological, psychological, social, and spiritual). Resources needed will depend upon the severity of individual’s behavior and how he or she is dealing with the issue."

Frequency

Frequency refers to how often an individual engages in the behavior. Sporadic viewing of pornography indicates a milder problem, although this conduct is still clearly inappropriate. The more frequently an individual views pornography, the more serious the problem.

Duration

Duration refers to how long an individual has been engaged in the behavior. If an individual has been unable to stop viewing pornography for a period of years, it will most likely be more difficult for him or her to overcome the behavior than if he or she has only been using pornography for a short period of time.

Intensity

Intensity refers to the nature of the material viewed. While all pornographic images and content are inappropriate, some types of material are significantly more degrading. As you learn about a member’s issue, it is important to note the type of pornography he or she has been viewing.

For example, media that depict sexual acts are more intense and graphic than photographs of individuals wearing little or no clothing. Some pornographic material is violent or involves children. If you become aware of any viewing, purchasing, or distributing of child pornography, contact civil authorities. A help line is also available for the bishop in dealing with this issue.

11. How, When, and Why: Talking to Your Children about Sexuality

12. Teaching How to Be Sexually Pure and Prepared

13. How I Learned to Understand God’s View of Sexuality

Quotes About Marital Intimacy

Some persons have supposed that our natural affections were the results of a fallen and corrupt nature, and that they are “carnal, sensual, and devilish,” and therefore ought to be resisted, subdued, or overcome as so many evils which prevent our perfection, or progress in the spiritual life. In short, that they should be greatly subdued in this world, and in the world to come entirely done away. And even our intelligence also.

Such persons have mistaken the source and fountain of happiness altogether. They have not one correct idea of the nature of the enjoyments, or happiness of heaven, or earth; of this life or any other…

Our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness—they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society—they are the essence of charity, or love; and therefore never fail, but endure forever.

There is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion; …

The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.

These pure affections are inspired in our bosoms, and interwoven with our nature by an all wise and benevolent being, who rejoices in the happiness and welfare of his creatures. All his revelations to man, touching this subject, are calculated to approve, encourage, and strengthen these emotions, and to increase and perfect them; that man, enlightened and taught of God, may be more free, more social, cheerful, happy, kind, familiar, and lovely than he was before; that he may fill all the relationships of life, and act in every sphere of usefulness with a greater energy, and with a readier mind, and a more willing heart. – Essential Parley P. Pratt

---

We have a great many principles innate in our natures that are correct, but they want sanctifying. God said to man, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.’ (Genesis 1:28.) Well, he has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in woman towards man, and in man towards woman and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes. We bring it into the world with us, but that, like everything else, has to be sanctified. An unlawful gratification of these feelings and sympathies is wrong in the sight of God, and leads down to death, while a proper exercise of our functions leads to life, happiness, and exaltation in this world and the world to come. And so it is in regard to a thousand other things. – John Taylor

---

The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure. – Joseph F. Smith

---

Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose. – Richard G. Scott

---

Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. – Howard W. Hunter

---

Intimate relations were designed by the Lord as a sacred opportunity to renew marriage covenants, provide therapy, and keep you two in love. It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you enjoy your physical and emotional relationship. Intimacy is not to be abused. This is your spouse, companion, confidant, lover, and therapist all rolled into one, and you two should enjoy the privilege of sharing your masculine and feminine traits in a wholesome way. – Douglas Brinley

---

Physical intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a husband and a wife—the very uniting of their souls—but it is also symbolic of a shared relationship between them and their Father in Heaven. He is immortal and perfect. We are mortal and imperfect. Nevertheless we seek ways even in mortality whereby we can unite with Him spiritually. – Jeffrey R. Holland

---

Addressing Concerns

The following responses to frequent concerns about pornography use is intended to provide truth over error. While some of the facts listed below dispel frequent false claims about pornography viewing, this is in NO way support for viewing pornography. Rather, these facts are here to provide hope and clarity, and calm the very real fears youth and adults have about the potential consequences of prior porn viewing, which are almost always inflated.

Viewing pornography contributes to sexual crime

This is a very common theory cited frequently both in literature and by people in general. The reasoning is often along the lines of “viewing porn gives men ideas and fantasies, so that they will then go out and assault a woman to play out their fantasies.” Sometimes you will even hear studies cited about the prevalence of a history of pornography use by sexual offenders. There are several problems that firmly establish this as a myth, not a fact.

1. The official Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that there was more than a 60% decline in sexual violence against females from 1995 TO 2010! - Female Victims Of Sexual Violence, 1994-2010

https://www.statista.com/statistics/191226/reported-forcible-rape-rate-in-the-us-since-1990/

Many claim that the access to high speed Internet pornography have increased sexual crimes exponentially, but there is NO research or statistics that confirm these opinions. These claims are often made in opinion articles published in official journals. For example the opinion article The Public Health Harms of Pornography: The Brain, Erectile Dysfunction, and Sexual Violence in "A Journal on Sexual Exploitations and Violence" is often quoted as a "study", but in fact is not a study. These are often well intended individuals trying to create urgency around this topic by using fear, not facts.

While some of their concerns about sex crimes being underreported are valid, the lack of data is not an excuse to insinuate, fabricate or use fear to retain a narrative. It's crucial to find ways to improve the data and make wise and informed decisions off that data. However, the fact that ALL crime according to the FBI has reduced since the early 1990s seems to demonstrate consistency in the data. Crime in the United States by Volume and Rate per 100,000 Inhabitants, 1993–2012

Furthermore, the fact that sex crimes have significantly decreased could be indicators that SOMETHING is working. By focusing on a narrative over facts, significant harm can be done to protecting woman and children. The drop in crime against women and children also doesn't reduce the importance of making the internet a safer place.

Finally, studies about sexual offenders and their pornography history is an example of confusing correlation and causation. Pornography viewing rates for males vary widely between surveys from near 50 percent (often for older males) to nearing 100 percent (for younger males). With these types of rates, it would be statistically surprising that most male criminals didn’t have a history of pornography usage; however, despite these rates, sexual offenders make up just .00279 percent of the population in the United States and its territories.

2. Someone having fantasies does not mean that he or she is going to act on that fantasy. This is just as true for sexual fantasies as it is for all those fantasies we may have about work, recreation, or life. Statistics for rape fantasies among women (typically of being raped) are reported at being between 31 percent and 57 percent, and for men (typically of raping a woman) are between 13 percent and 54 percent. Women's erotic rape fantasies: an evaluation of theory and research

No one thinks that 50 percent of women actually want to be raped in real life, nor that 50 percent of men want to actually rape a woman in real life. So the idea that engaging in fantasies, even fantasies of violent or heinous acts, will result in people following through with those acts is patently false.

3. Some people will push back on this and say that just because not everyone who watches porn engages in sexual assault doesn’t mean that porn doesn’t result in an increase, albeit a smaller one, in those crimes. This is also demonstrably false.

The introduction of the internet in the late 1990s can be considered the largest experiment on this issue to likely ever take place. Prior to the internet, access to pornography was generally limited to either Playboys or similar magazines that depicted nudity but not sexual activity or to videos that had to be ordered by mail, purchased at a sex shop, or rented from the local video rental store. The introduction of online pornography has increased access and use exponentially as it is now accessible easily, without cost, and, practically speaking, anonymously.

According to the claim that porn causes one to be more likely to commit sexual crimes, the dramatic increase in consumption of pornography due to the internet should have resulted in an measurable increase in sexual crimes. Instead, we have seen the opposite. The Federal Bureau of Justice Statistics shows a decline in the number of sexual assault victimizations of females from 1995 to 2010 by 58 percent. In other words, the amount of sexual assaults against women has gone down by almost 60 percent with the introduction and proliferation of internet pornography. A number of other studies have been done on the link between sexual crime and pornography availability, and they almost exclusively show a decrease in sexual crimes with a few showing negligible impacts. Pornography, public acceptance and sex related crime: A review

Porn will make people treat women as objects

This is a very common accusation, and often is accompanied by claims that the pornography viewer ends up viewing all women as inanimate objects with no emotions or feelings at all. It is an emotionally charged concept and can be difficult to talk about. What makes this myth particularly difficult to address is that in some ways it is true. Let’s start by defining objectification.

Ob·jec·ti·fi·ca·tion \əbˌjektəfəˈkāSH(ə)n\ noun: the action of degrading someone to the status of a mere object.

The definition of objectification is notably lacking specific reference to both sexuality and to women. There is a reason for that: objectification happens in all sorts of aspects of life. Dr. David Ley commented on this phenomenon.

Nobody wants to be seen as merely an object. We all want to be seen as a person, a unique being, with our own thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. But, as usual, sexual objectification is, for some reason, treated as especially “wrong” compared to other types of objectification.

Our society, in fact, thrives on objectification. You don’t think telemarketers REALLY care about you as a person, do you? Objectification is not necessarily a bad thing. Surgeons commonly “objectify” their patients because it is easier to cut into them when the surgeon is not distracted by thoughts of this person’s feelings, future and past. Soldiers objectify their enemies to make it easier to attack or kill them. What do we tell a person who is afraid of public speaking? “Imagine your audience naked…”.

He then explains the other side to sexual objectification.

Research with pornography and objectification has actually shown that when we see someone as a sexualized “object,” there are some good sides to that. When we are sexualizing someone, we tend to see them as someone who experiences things in a powerful way. We see them as “experiencers,” who we can imagine “experiencing” sex with us. There was an old study years ago where people thought they were giving electric shocks to other people. Current studies on sexual objectification suggest that if that person were showing more skin, or was even naked, people would shock them less. Not because they want to get laid by that poor person, but because we believe, on the basis of that sexual objectification, that they would feel the pain more intensely than other people.

This is a far cry from the idea that objectification amounts to women being seen as a chair or a treadmill to be used for our enjoyment without consideration at all. In fact, Joshua Knobe, professor of philosophy and cognitive science at Yale University, notes that objectification isn’t really an accurate term for what is taking place. He and some colleagues conducted an experiment about objectification by giving male participants a picture of a woman who is either clothed or nude and posed normally, or nude and posed sexually. They then had participants rate the woman on how capable they thought she was of having agency (self-control and both planning and acting morally) and how capable she was of having experiences (feeling fear, desire, and pleasure). Based on their results, they found that men believed the woman posing naked and in a sexy pose was seen as having less agency but more experience than the woman who was just naked or clothed posing normally. From that data, they deduced that,

In short, it doesn't look like pornography is leading men to treat women as mere “objects.” Instead, we seem to be getting something that might be called animalification—treating a woman as though she lacks the capacity for complex thinking and reasoning, but at the same time, treating her as though she was even more capable of having strong feelings and emotional responses.”

Again, this is not the same as truly objectifying someone and seeing them as “an object.” Rather, as Knobe later puts it, “the problem here doesn't have to do with ignoring a person's mind but rather with focusing exclusively on just one part of that mind.”

This is something that we all engage in even during a sexual experience with a spouse. When we find ourselves moving towards orgasm and wanting our spouse to continue doing what they are doing or to just hold still for a moment or to stop something distracting because we are close to the point of climax, we are objectifying them, seeing them in that moment in the context of our own self rather than as a full person who may not want to stop what they’re doing. Hopefully though, when that moment of objectification has passed, we re-engage with them, attend to their needs, cuddle, and draw close again. In this way, objectification is functional similar to the way it is functional for a surgeon or soldier.

Yes, in consuming pornography, we only see part of a person. This isn’t a problem specific to pornography, it is simply an aspect of how we all function in various aspects of life and one that can, when taken to an extreme, be incredibly problematic. So we are then left with the question of whether the objectification in the context of pornography consumption devalues women uniquely in real life. And the answer is no.

In 2016, researchers from Ontario tested this theory. Specifically, they wanted to measure how pornography use impacted the attitudes of egalitarianism in men. They measured egalitarian attitudes toward women holding positions of power, women working outside the home, abortion issues (including under conditions like rape), and attitudes around the traditional family. What did they find? Those who used pornography held attitudes that were more egalitarian than those who did not use pornography. In other words, rather than pornography consumption being correlated with negative attitudes about women, it was correlated with positive, egalitarian ideas about women.

The idea that pornography objectifies women in any way that is unique from objectification that happens generally in life or is harmful to attitudes about women is a myth.

Viewing pornography will corrupt your sexual interest

There is no arguing that pornography will expose someone to sexual acts, behaviors, and ideas that they might not otherwise have. Viewing and even repeatedly seeking out this material has lead some to the idea that such exposure is ruining or corrupting their sexuality, perhaps even irreparably. Reasoning often accompanies the idea that the person is becoming “satiated” and developing a “tolerance” to more mainstream pornography and requires increasingly “intense” or “shocking” material to get aroused. Such a thought is quite frightening and consequently creates enormous concern. Fortunately, research has shown this to be completely false.

Over 2,000 people who identified as consumers of pornography were surveyed in this research. Fifty-eight percent were women and a little less than half were in a relationship. The survey asked them how arousing they found each of 27 different categories of pornography covering a broad range of mainstream and non-mainstream interests. While some identified as being aroused by non-mainstream pornography, they were also aroused by mainstream pornography. They also didn’t report being any less sexually satisfied than those who did not report being aroused by the non-mainstream pornography. This shows that consumption of pornography will not corrupt your sexual interests and cause you to not be interested in more mainstream sexual stimuli. It shows a lack of evidence (the closest science comes to disproving something) for the idea of satiation and tolerance in pornography consumption.

With that said, those who do view pornography often find themselves aroused by new things. The research discussed above would note that this is not a corruption of sexuality since mainstream sexual stimuli is still arousing. Rather, it is a discovery of increased breadth of sexual interest.

The most common way to conceptualize this broadening of interests is as a lovemap, which was developed by psychologist John Money in 1980. He and others have expanded on it ever since. The lovemap is the sum of those thoughts, ideas, fantasies, situations, traits, etc. that make up what we find to be seuxally arousing. The formation of this template begins with the hormones we are exposed to at birth and continues up into puberty. Money notes that the most vulnerable and critical years for lovemap formation is not teenagehood when sexual hormones are raging but rather the formative years of about five to eight years old. And after puberty, the lovemap has largely been formed and is extremely resistant to change.

John Money, a prominent psychologist and sexologist, introduced the concept of a 'lovemap' to describe the mental blueprint that shapes an individual's sexual desires and preferences. Born in New Zealand in 1921 and later working in the United States, Money was a key figure in the field of sexual identity and development. His groundbreaking work at Johns Hopkins University, where he was influential in the establishment of the first gender identity clinic, contributed significantly to the understanding of gender identity and sexual orientation.

Money's concept of a lovemap encompasses a variety of mental images, ideas, fantasies, situations, and traits that collectively define what one finds sexually arousing. He proposed that these lovemaps begin forming early in life, shaped by an interplay of biological, psychological, and social factors. Contrary to a sole focus on hormonal influences, Money emphasized the importance of early childhood experiences and societal interactions in the development of these sexual templates. He believed that while lovemaps start forming in childhood, they become relatively stable and resistant to change after puberty.

In counseling, explaining lovemaps can be akin to describing a subconscious sexual scrapbook, unknowingly compiled from a diverse array of sexual and erotic experiences. This scrapbook, though created without conscious awareness, forms the foundation of an individual's sexual identity. Gaining insight into its content, however, is not straightforward. It requires exploration, openness, and a certain level of sexual confidence. While individuals may have some awareness of their sexual preferences and fantasies, much of their lovemap remains unexplored, making self-discovery a key aspect of understanding one's sexual identity.

John Money's theories, including his work on lovemaps, have been influential in the fields of psychology and sexology. They have sparked considerable discussion and debate, contributing to a deeper understanding of human sexuality and its complex interplay with psychological and social factors.

The privacy and anonymity of pornography can expose the viewer to aspects of sexuality that they may not have explored yet. They can browse for taboo topics, fantasies, or imagery that they might otherwise not be able to explore. Whether that is going to end up being sexually arousing to them or not is based on their lovemap. They are essentially flipping to that page in their sexual scrapbook and finding out, “Wow, there’s a of great stuff that I like on these pages,” or “There are a couple of interesting things here, but not a ton of stuff,” or even “Huh, I don’t have any pages about that in my scrapbook.”

Once you find certain pages, you may end up spending time learning more about that, exploring there, diving into those pages; however, pornography exposure will not add pages to your scrapbook or tear pages out. It just might point out pages that you hadn’t really spent much time on before. In other words, viewing pornography isn't corrupting sexual interests; people are using pornography to explore the sexual interests they already have.

According to Matthew 5:27–28, lusting is evil.

---

You heard it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman/wife in order to covet her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27–28

Probably one of the most misinterpreted Bible scripture used to teach chastity, biblical scholar Jason A. Staples (Ph.D., UNC-Chapel Hill), who is a historian of early Judaism and Christianity, has observed in his article “Whoever Looks at a Woman With Lust”: Misinterpreted Bible Passages. Why misinterpreting this scripture is particularly dangerous;

The biggest problem with the way these verses are usually explained is that it misplaces the focus away from the will, from the commitment of the heart, towards a condemnation of the natural desires human beings are created having. Young men in many churches are effectively told that there is something inherently sinful in their sexual impulses.

As a devout Latter-day Saint, and Therapist who works primarily with sexual health and compulsive porn and sexual behavior, I have also seen the very real danger of Latter-day Saints misinterpreting this scripture in a way that harms them as individuals and harms their marriages. Jason A. Staples's observation hits home in a profound way. In reading the following you might be surprised to know he is not LDS. But he is addressing the danger of this misinterpretation to a general Christian audience. Beyond semantics and misinterpretation, he points out four major reasons why misinterpreting this scripture is harmful;

1. A great deal of self-defeat and guilt about sexual desire is a problem in much of the church. Young men are often entirely consumed with their efforts “not to lust,” as though focusing even more attention on the matter of sexual desire would actually help things!

2. In the same vein, I have even had married men talk to me about how they try not to “lust” for their wives! This stems from the misguided idea that if their desire for sex is simply because they’re “horny,” there’s something inherently wrong with that, something to feel guilty about. (In contrast, look at the way Paul approaches marital sex in 1 Cor 7; he seems to present it as the necessary and acceptable cure for “being horny.”) Talk about a way to take some of the joy out of marriage and substitute defeat and guilt!

3. Many young men simply give up the fight, reasoning that if they’re already guilty of sexual sin because of their thoughts, they might as well go ahead and enjoy the real thing. You’d probably be surprised how often this is the case.

4. Some who understand this passage to be a condemnation of lust actually reason that they can have extramarital (or at least premarital) sex as long as they “don’t lust.”

Staples continues by saying that we, unfortunately;

…emphasize this verse to men and (especially) adolescent boys, warning that if they so much as think of a woman in a sexual manner, they’ve already sinned, that they’ve already effectively done the deed with her. Such an interpretation often works hand-in-glove with the common idea that Jesus “intensified” the Law in the Sermon on the Mount, setting a higher standard in order to show that no person could actually live up to God’s standards, showing that a person could only be saved by recognizing the impossibility of righteousness and then receiving forgiveness (a complete misinterpretation of the Sermon on the Mount I will address at another time). So the common teaching is: lust (that is, sexual lust) is absolutely evil—equivalent, even, to the physical act of sexual sin.

Another key aspect of nearly all the common misinterpretations of this verse is a specific (mistaken) definition of the word “lust.” Specifically, many readers understand “lust” as specifically denoting misplaced or overly robust libido. For example, as one recent conversation partner explained to me, “I take lust to mean wanting something more than you should in an unhealthy way.”

Despite its popularity, this interpretation is imprecise, even flat wrong, and leads to surprisingly harmful consequences, making this verse a great candidate to start this series.

Staples continues by examining the nuance and significance of this misinterpretation by stating;

… the Greek word usually translated “lust” in this passage (ἐπιθυμέω; epithumeô) is precisely the word for “covet” (Hebrew חמד) in the Tenth Command in the Septuagint (Greek Old Testament), which says:

‘You will not covet your neighbor’s wife. You will not covet your neighbors house or his field or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or any animal which is your neighbor’s. (Ex 20:17 LXX)’

Looks pretty familiar, doesn’t it? In fact, it’s essentially identical; since there’s no distinction between the words “wife” and “woman” in Greek, the word translated “wife” here is the same that is translated “woman” in Matthew (both English words translate the same Greek word γύνη; gynē).

It turns out that Jesus isn’t saying anything new at all in Matthew 5:27–28. Instead, he directly cites one of the Ten Commands to remind his audience that the Law not only prohibits adultery, it prohibits coveting with the same severity. This is not an intensification of the Law; it’s a reminder of what the Law already says. In addition, Jesus gives no indication that he regards the Law as too difficult to keep—he not only assumes that his followers can follow his interpretation of the Torah but commands them to do so.

Now that it’s clear that Jesus isn’t saying something specifically new here but is instead calling attention to the Tenth Command, the next order of business is to understand the tenth command and the concept of “coveting.” The first thing to understand is that when the Hebrew חמד or Greek ἐπιθυμέω are used as verbs in the OT, it denotes desire directed at obtaining the specific object in question and not merely the existence of the desire itself.

Strikingly, the nominal (noun-form) concept of “lust” or “desire” (even the sexual variety) is nowhere forbidden in Scripture, nor is it equated with sin—only the potential to sin: “Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then, when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin. And when sin is completed, it brings forth death” (James 1:14–15). Note that James clearly distinguishes between “lust” (that is, desire) at the stage of temptation and “sin,” which is the actual commission of an act.

Pornography is as addictive as drugs.

---

There is NO evidence that pornography is as addictive as drugs.

This myth is a result of fear-based media and well-intending people to emphasize the potential dangers of porn use. Often the media and certain 'experts' will quote from neuroscience research to support their statements.

For example, one of the most widely misused/misquoted study is the 2014 Dr. Valerie Voon study, "Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviours" which even the Church used to emphisize the 'danger' of porn viewing, in a press release that included "a call of action to parents," and that "letting children consume pornography freely was likeleaving heroin lying around the house, or handing out vodka at the school gates.” Cambridge Study confirms Danger of Pornography

However, this is NOT what Dr. Valerie Voon research found and,

“Voon is quick to caution against using her studies to leap to conclusions about the addictiveness of sex or porn. ‘Much more research is required,’ she explains."

Additionally other neuroscientists at the University of California, Los Angeles,

"observed that volunteers who believed they had a problem with porn reacted to the pictures with low levels of excitement in the brain, unlike other addicts faced with triggering cues.” These people may be having problems, but of some other type,” says Prause. “Addiction is not a good way of understanding it.” Can you really be addicted to sex?

What Dr. Voon study actually says is the following;

The current study has multiple limitations.

1. the study involved only (19) heterosexual male subjects.

2. there currently exist no formal diagnostic criteria for CSB and thus this represents a limitation for understanding the findings and placing them within the larger literature.

3. given the cross-sectional nature of the study, inferences about causality cannot be made.

4. the small sample and lack of a whole brain corrected approach is a limitation.

The current and extant findings suggest that a common network exists for sexual-cue reactivity and drug-cue reactivity in groups with CSB (compulsive sexual behavior) and drug addictions, respectively. These findings suggest overlaps in networks underlying disorders of pathological consumption of drugs and natural rewards. **While this study may suggest overlaps with substance-use disorders, further clinical studies are required to determine whether CSB should be categorized as an impulse-control disorder, within an obsessive-compulsive spectrum or as a behavioural addiction.

In more recent interviews, Dr. Valerie Voon has stated after having conducted more research that she

... takes a more moderate view. “I suspect (porn) probably doesn’t cause a ‘major’ cognitive risk,” she says in an email to The Daily Beast. But she adds there are potential issues with porn consumption for especially vulnerable populations. “I think one of the main issues would be that there may be a subgroup of people who may run into problems with compulsive use.”

Furthermore, Dr. Cameron Staley, LDS scientist and leading expert in the subject, has studied porn addiction his whole career and has stated that NO research supports porn addiction. In one interview he made the following observation;

“I believe the Adversary attempts to convince us that, ‘You are horrible, that you should never tell anybody, never reach out for help, don’t even use the Atonement, don’t talk to anybody—he wins. We shut down. We withdraw,” Staley says. “But if we view it as, ‘Oh wow, I’m doing something that’s inconsistent with my beliefs, let’s understand what’s going on, the Atonement still applies to me. I’m not a bad person, I’m just doing things that I don’t want to do.’”

According to Staley, religious people feel distress when viewing pornography “as high as other people that are viewing at really high rates,” even if they don’t view it as often. Through his research, he has also discovered that believing you are “addicted” may maintain unwanted pornography viewing in the future. “Believing you’re addicted takes away the hope, and when we don’t have hope, we do things to soothe ourselves, and the one strategy these individuals have come up with to soothe themselves is viewing pornography,” Staley says. “That’s the cycle.”

Finally, some professionals have embraced the fear-based side of porn use as a core part of their business model.

What about all the science that supports sex/porn addiction?

---

The topic of sex/porn addiction and its validity is a complex topic, which is too often overly-simplified and forced into being an absolute - such as being an addiction or not.

“Addiction” is an overused term that has morphed into a general description of any impulsive behavior. But “addiction” has a very specific meaning in science and mental health. As a result, the general use of the term has caused much confusion. However, the confusion is not an issue of semantics alone. If it were semantics alone, this would not be a cause of concern. Rather, the issue is in applying effective methods and solutions; it goes to the core of accurately identifying the problem and the treatment.

For example, imagine going to the doctor and saying you have cancer, and the doctor immediately starts chemo and other invasive forms of cancer treatment. This treatment goes on for days, months, and years, only to discover you don’t have cancer at all. Some will exclaim, it's because you’re cured! Others will say the cancer is still there because you still feel sick. You go another round of chemo and invasive treatment. Some will say, well cancer is so dangerous that whether you had cancer or not, what could the chemo hurt? You might be thinking there is a malpractice case developing here since the doctor only relied on a personal report, failing in his duty to do his own diagnostics and assessments. You’d be right.

However, this is at the core of the problem with sex/porn addiction treatment. There is no robust standard for assessment. The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is almost entirely subjective and moralistic (“moral incongruence”) and relies almost entirely on personal assessment and reports. Not an empirical assessment.

Why is a moral incongruence bad? It’s important to consider our core values, including our religious values/faith, and commitments/covenants while assessing sex/porn addiction. However, if the assessment is done through the lens of morality, that individual will most likely self-assess more severely.

For example, if one perceives viewing porn with eternal consequences (a form of betrayal and adultery), that individual will most likely assess more severely than someone who does not view their porn use in the terms of morality. Ergo, the same treatment is given for an individual who viewed an Instagram model on occasion versus an individual presenting with frequent, out-of-control, prolonged exposure and engaging in illegal and risk-taking behavior.

Research on the moral perception of sex/porn and its impact on perceived behaviors is well documented:

• Damaged Goods: Perception of Pornography Addiction as a Mediator Between Religiosity and Relationship Anxiety Surrounding Pornography Use

• Moral Incongruence and Pornography Use: A Critical Review and Integration

• Addiction or Transgression? Moral Incongruence and Self-Reported Problematic Pornography Use in a Nationally Representative Sample

Furthermore, the addiction model is essentially a one-size-fits-all approach, with variations depending on the treatment center. More effective treatment centers and approaches include assessment for comorbid diagnoses, but the treatment is usually the same.

ARP or Addiction treatment is the best way to recover or stop porn use.

---

The best and most current research on sex/porn addiction does not support the addiction model of treatment. The addiction model has been well studied and has been shown to have a success rate between 5-10%, which is less than doing nothing at all for treatment.

In one of the most comprehensive analyses of various alcohol abuse treatments, AA ranked 37th out of 48 treatment methods. It was well behind the most effective methods, which were brief interventions, motivational enhancement, and GABA agonist medication, but also well behind even such minimal interventions as case management (12th), acupuncture (17th), exercise (20th), and the no-intervention-at-all method, simply labeled self-monitoring (30th). —Saving Psychotherapy: How Therapists Can Bring the Talking Cure Back from the Brink by Benjamin E. Caldwell

If you are one of the 5-10% success rates, wonderful! The desire for improved treatment from porn use in no way discount the 5-10%. (Also, see; “The Sober Truth" and “Sex Addiction a Critical History”) Rather it’s impairative to find a way for MORE people to experience the success of those few in addiction treatment.

As Latter-day Saints we have an impairative to save souls. If you were given a more successful aproach, or if you were aware of a better way to treat porn use. Avoiding years of struggle that resulted in years of suffering being avoided. Wouldn't you do all you can to bring that to the many souls craving for more meaningful and lasting solutions? As such many trained professionals tend to suggest more effective treatment like A.C.T. or ACT-based treatment over the LDS Church’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP), or other addiction-based models of treatment. Additionally, both “the science” and the “LDS Church” agree in discouraging the use of the addiction language and approach.

The Science: The most current and comprehensive scientific review of sex/porn addiction: Sexual addiction 25 years on: A systematic and methodological review of empirical literature and an agenda for future research

The LDS Church: What LDS Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said about porn “addiction” which is also in line with the scientific research:

In earlier times and circumstances, our counsel about pornography focused principally on helping individuals to avoid initial exposure or to recover from addiction. While those efforts are still important, past experience and current circumstances have shown the need for counsel addressed to levels of pornography use between the polar extremes of avoidance and addiction. It is helpful to focus on four different levels of involvement with pornography: (1) inadvertent exposure, (2) occasional use, (3) intensive use, and (4) compulsive use (addiction).

…

Once we recognize these different levels, we also recognize that not everyone who uses pornography willfully is addicted to it. In fact, most young men and young women who struggle with pornography are not addicted. That is a very important distinction to make—not just for the parents, spouses, and leaders who desire to help but also for those who struggle with this problem. Here is why.

First, the deeper the level of involvement one engages in—from inadvertent exposure, to occasional or repeated intentional use, to intensive use, to compulsive (addictive) use—the more difficult it is to recover. If behavior is incorrectly classified as an addiction, the user may think he or she has lost agency and the capacity to overcome the problem. This can weaken resolve to recover and repent. On the other hand, having a clearer understanding of the depth of a problem—that it may not be as ingrained or extreme as feared—can give hope and an increased capacity to exercise agency to discontinue and repent.

Second, as with any sinful behavior, willful use of pornography drives away the Holy Ghost. Some who have experienced this will feel prompted to repent. Others, however, may feel embarrassed and seek to hide their guilt through deceit. They may also begin to feel shame, which can lead to self-loathing. If this happens, users may begin to believe one of Satan’s greatest lies: that what they have done or continue to do makes them a bad person, unworthy of the Savior’s grace and incapable of repentance. That is simply not true. We are never too far out of reach from the Savior and His Atonement. — Recovering from the Trap of Pornography

Anonymous Questions

Anonymous Questions

Whenever I am invited to speak or present a workshop, I provide the participants an opportunity to ask anonymous questions. It has been a valuable experience to hear the weighty, raw and real concerns of those who are struggling for answers. After presenting for five years now, the questions appear to have similar themes. Also, it is very clear that these concerns are not unique and many would value from the answers.

I have chosen to leave the questions exactly as written/asked. I believe it's important to read the emotion in the way it was asked. Therefore, I have decided to share those responses and have included below, in what will eventually function as a table of contents, sorted alphabetically by topic.

When a question has been answered, I will link the question to its blog post.

Learn more about my presentations here.
__________________________________________

“Addiction” — Pornography And Sexual-Related Issues

Q: Why does the church's ARP program assume that men are addicts and women are "related to addicts"? It is SO difficult to find a women's support group.
A: Coming soon.

Q: What is your advice to females who have watched pornography or masturbate?
A: This is actually two different questions.

1. LDS Women — Overcoming Pornography

2. Female Struggles with Porn and Masturbation

Q: If someone has watched pornography or masturbated in the past, do you feel they are obligated to tell their future spouse? Does it depend on how long ago it was?
A: Transparency In All Things

Q: I used porn years ago to numb problems and feelings and am now in a much better place. I try to be open about this in relationships with girls. Some take it well but most do not. It's difficult to be vulnerable not knowing how they will respond, so I am less likely to pursue relationships. What should I do?
A: Multiple answers:

1. Female Struggles with Porn and Masturbation

2. ARP Fails Women Support Groups

3. LDS Women — Overcoming Pornography

Communication

Q: How do I keep communication alive when two partners hold opposing viewpoints on things (with the potential to constantly disagree with each other)?
A: Marital Myth of Communication

Q: What kind of marriage partnerships have you seen that are the the happiest? Give some examples of how they work through times of disagreement or misunderstanding.
A:

1. Happiest Marriages

2. Marital Myth of Communication

Dating / Marring Outside Of Faith

Q: I am a 40+ women and still single. I have a hard time finding quality prospect who wants to be married. How to find joy without ignoring my faith and reality?
A:

1. Marrying Outside of Faith

2. Marital Myth of Communication

3. Happiest Marriages

Q: I met a man who is generous, grateful, patient and compassionate but knew nothing about my faith, which is important for me. Is happiness possible with such a person who does not believe in Christ?
A:

1. Marrying Outside of Faith

2. Marital Myth of Communication

3. Happiest Marriages

Q: Would different faiths work out in a marriage?
A:

1. Marrying Outside of Faith

2. Marital Myth of Communication

3. Happiest Marriages

Divorce / Break up

Q: When do you suggest that a problematic/troubled partnership separate? Or keep them together?
A: Because I Loved Her, I Left Her

Q: How do you successfully break up with someone that you see no potential with?
A: Because I Loved Her, I Left Her

Q: When does being separated or divorced with kids and get easier?
A: Coming soon.

Q: I’m separated and divorce is taking a while. Is it bad to start dating or start talking to a guy?
A: Coming soon.

Emotional Abuse

Q: My husband gets jealous about Facebook likes, emojis, and comments I get from other men who are just friends. How do you recommend dealing with such situations?
A: Jealousy and Social Media

Family Systems

Q: How does one work through one's own childhood/parental negative behavior patterns influenced by one's own upbringing which manifest later in dating/marriage relationships?
A: Coming soon.

Homosexuality

Q: How can queer members of the church live authentically while still trying to be a part of the church?
A: Coming soon.

Marital Sex

Q: What would you do if you had a sick spouse you loved but was unable to perform sex due to illness?
A: Sex and Illness

Mental Health

Q: How to date someone who has medicated but chronic depression, anxiety, and panic attacks?
A: Coming soon.

Q: Is it better for certain people with mental instability, like psychopathy, sociopath, narcissism, to stay unmarried?
A: Coming soon.

Q: When is the best time to tell your new boyfriend or if you are dating about your diagnosis?
I'm scared to date because I have mental health issues such as depression and bipolar disorder. How can I over come this? Or some tips on what to do.
A: Coming soon.

Q: I am having a tough time maintaining close companionship with the Spirit with all this uncontrollable chaos around me. How can I strive to feel the Spirit when I cannot control some of my circumstances?
A: Coming soon.

Q: How do you stand strong on stigma of mental health?
A: Coming soon.

Q: What if you're not okay with your past? What do you do?
A: Coming soon.

Personality Types in Relationships

Q: How do you make things work between an unlikely pair in which each partner's Myers Briggs letters are completely the opposite? (the second letter, iNtuitive vs Sensing, make it hard to understand each other's view points.)
A: Coming soon.

Q: How to make "the wrong" partnerships "right"?
A: Coming soon.

Single

Q: Is it unrighteous to enjoy being single?
A: 1) Coming soon. 2) Subdivisions in the Celestial Kingdom

Self-Care

Q: Is making my little brother a priority over ward activities because of a fear of social instances okay?
A: Coming soon.

Female Struggles With Porn And Masturbation

Anonymous Question Series:

Q: "What is your advice to females who have watched pornography or masturbate?"

A: The quick answer: Love yourself, be kind to yourself, retain the joy and beauty that is your sexuality, come out of hiding, and be confident in your struggle.

Your question is important to me, one I am addressing in depth in my book. There are too many women struggling alone. There are few resources and even fewer good resources. There is much I want to say, but there is so much misunderstanding, negativity and flawed ideas around the subject, and a more lengthy response is required. I am working frantically to get good resources out to our dear sisters alone in this battle.

But for now, avoid negative self-talk and avoid viewing sexuality as bad or evil. Discover joy and beauty in sexual desire. Understand these desires are of God; they are not evil. Also, recognize that every individual's biology and sexual drive is different. Be careful to not compare your sexual urges and desires to another person's. Focus more on untangling the unhealthy views of pornography from your own sexuality. Develop a true self-mastery plan that measures progress as apposed to abstinence.

Continue to be brave! Porn is everywhere and everyone defines it differently. You do not need to be ashamed. In fact, I encourage you to put off all shame that is preventing you from feeling joy. You love the Lord and you know that. Don't let your struggle define your love for Father.

Take a moment and read Kathryn Kirk’s blog:

"Being open about my struggle with pornography has changed my life. I haven’t been wide open about it, but I have opened up to some very key people, and as you can see from this blog, I’m starting to share my stories and experiences with whoever wants to listen. Once I stopped trying so hard to hide from everyone, I slowly started finding room to heal. This ongoing transformation has been something I never could have imagined, and now I want others to experience it too." (A Place of Healing, Not Hiding)

See also:

A Place of Healing, Not Hiding

As I have stated in other posts; this is a great question and will be a little difficult to answer concisely, for me. This has been a topic of GREAT interest and equal concern for me, so much that I have taken up the opportunity to write about it. I am over 100 pages into a book I hope to complete by the end of this year that addresses this issue and other related topics and their solutions. Additionally, Kathryn Kirk and I have attempted to fill this gap (of women not having a resource) with the "LDS Women Struggle Too" Blog and Group. But because of our Latter-day Saint culture, it is very hard to get the word out.

Transparency in All Things

Anonymous Question Series:

Q: If someone has watched pornography or masturbated in the past, do you feel they are obligated to tell their future spouse? Does it depend on how long ago it was?

There are three concepts in this question that need to be answered: 1) transparency in relationships, 2) stigma/shame of sexual sins/behaviors, 3) masturbation, is it really that bad? 

The main focus in this question is transparency and stigma/shame of sexual sins/behaviors. I will address the third concept in a separate post.

A: The quick answer: yes, and if you can't/don't, you should not get married.

Transparency In Relationships

"Where there is respect, there is also transparency, which is a key element of happy marriages. There are no secrets about relevant matters in marriages based on mutual respect and transparency. Husbands and wives make all decisions about finances together and both have access to all information." —Elder L. Whitney Clayton, Marriage: Watch and Learn

I understand the above quote is specifically addressing social media in marriage, which I will address more specifically in my forthcoming post on, "Jealousy and Social Media." Once published, I will put a link to it here. (Update: Read “Jealousy and Social Media” HERE!)

Nonetheless, this quote is absolutely applicable to premarital relationships, especially if you are engaged. How do you ever expect to be transparent or desire your partner to be transparent if you yourself keep secrets?

The Myth

Let's dispel a myth right now. I have searched all over for a source, a reference, or the origin of one of the most ridiculous myths and traditions in our faith. But I cannot find an original source nor anything that supports it. That is, if you have "repented" of something, you don't need to divulge it to your future spouse (or current spouse). I cannot emphasize how naive, controlling, and dangerous this concept is.

There are women who say, "If it is in the past, I don't want to know about it, I don't need to know about it." For some reason, I've only heard women express this idea, but please realize that this is a rejection of your partner. Not wanting to share and not wanting to know is anything but love. Many excuse it as "true love" and "embracing the atonement" when they don't "dig up the past." These individuals believe it is a rejection of the atonement to bring up the past. When women desire to learn about their loved one, the men often respond defensively, "Why do you keep wanting to know about the things I've repented about?"

This is a huge RED FLAG, and if it wasn't so common, I would tell you to turn and run as fast as you can. Unfortunately, it is far too common of a conversation, which means it's a tradition and myth that good people truly believe. It can be worked through and properly understood, but transparency is an absolute must! Without exception!

Clarity And Perspective

It boggles my mind that we still speak as though pornography is some type of sin of "perdition," unrecoverable and mentally damaging — a sin that turns beautiful, intelligent, amazing individuals into social pariahs. The social and self shame around this topic is unjustified. I assure you, nearly 100% of individuals, male and female have viewed pornography and 80–95% of people have masturbated. In today's information age, it is impossible to not view and even engage in pornography.

Additionally, there is a real problem with even the word "pornography." It's a nonsensical, abstract word. Let me give you a real life example. A wife demands her spouse repent to the bishop because he saw breasts in the movie "Titanic." The bishop, whom the husband will potentially confess to, went on a date with his wife to see "Deadpool." One can argue the bishop and his wife are in serious violation themselves. This is the problem; who gets to define pornography?

Recently, I was interacting with an anti-porn advocate who uses her spouse's "short comings" as a platform for her "trauma." Yet, she has a plethora of highly sensual books and movies on her own Facebook "Likes" page. Some could easily be considered "harlequin"-type material. When that was pointed out, she defended it saying there was no "nudity" in those types of entertainment. That statement wasn't entirely true, but it's an example of the double standard and confusion around the concept of pornography.

"Historically the term 'pornography' has an unreliable history of usefulness as a scientific term. Instead, it is a social construct of the human mind. Its social use is vague, inaccurate and is often co-opted for use as rhetoric by those who use it to further their social or political agendas. Over time the term has taken on negative connotations, and is now, also used as a pejorative term in expressions of disapproval. The term "pornography" is like using the term "lemon" to describe an automobile. It describes a negative quality of an object in the minds of many people.

... Now is the time for scientists to break a bad habit of using this socially biased, non-scientific term. As scientists we create problems for ourselves when we adopt unscientific terminology that has culturally evolved, and is loaded with cultural or moralistic bias. We handicap the social effectiveness of our research when we use such terms." —Mark Kim Malan, Ph.D., A New Taxonomy: Scientific Misuse of the Term "Pornography"

As I pointed out in my previous post, problematic sexual behavior is an ambiguous terminology socially defined by white, middle-class, Christian males. 

Fortunately, Elder Oaks has addressed this topic well in an October 2015 Ensign article where he embraced a more scientific and correct view. He said there are four types of pornography use: (1) inadvertent exposure, (2) occasional use, (3) intensive use, and (4) compulsive use (addiction). The Church is making great progress in defining the "problem" and eliminating the shame. [Read more of my thoughts on this topic here. Read the entire Ensign article here.]

Stigma/Shame Of Sexual Sins/Behaviors

From a "doctrinal" and spiritual perspective. Our culture has traditionally lumped ALL "porn" into the same level of severity and seriousness. In spite of logic and the infinite atonement, we conceptually view — even 5 minutes of pornography — as a sexual "sin next to murder," which is not accurate.

"Corianton’s sin was a composite of several elements, specifically sexual immorality by a priesthood leader that caused him to abandon his ministry and therefore neglect the spiritual needs of his flock, thereby leading them into apostasy. In effect, Corianton metaphorically “murdered” the testimonies of those he was commissioned to bring unto Christ when he was lured away by Isabel (cf. Alma 36:14).

This understanding of Corianton’s particular situation is strengthened by of the fact that in Alma 39:5, Alma speaks of “these things” (plural) being “an abomination in the sight of the Lord.” Apparently, “these things” included not only Corianton committing sexual sin, but purposefully neglecting “the ministry wherewith [he] wast entrusted” (v. 4). Perhaps, then, “the more serious infraction was the resulting spiritual damage inflicted upon others who had witnessed Corianton’s sinful actions.” —Michael R. Ash and B. W. Jorgensen, "Knowhy #147"

Let me be clear, the prevalence of a sin or behavior doesn't make it right (just because everyone is doing it). However, we treat pornography and masturbation with such rejection, that emotionally we loath ourselves and others for engaging in it. In the great words of Elder Uchtdorf, "STOP IT."

Doing it Right

We must “stop it”—meaning, stop being ashamed and own it. The fact that people view it with such seriousness makes this a landmark conversation in the relationship. My suggestion is to go into a relationship with the assumption that the other has engaged in these behaviors. As the relationship matures, it will provide appropriate opportunities to discuss the history and severity of the behaviors.

Every relationship is different and there is no fast and set rule on when to divulge your past. You cannot control your partner’s responses, but you can begin to view yourself in the loving context of the atonement. Their response is a reflection of their spiritual and emotional maturity. In fact, your sharing and their response can be an excellent indicator of their marriage readiness.

LDS Women — Overcoming Pornography: The Opposite Of Addiction Is Connection

While reading “LDS Women — Overcoming Pornography: The Opposite Of Addiction Is Connection,” I saw this Ted Talk for the first time, and I had to write about it. It's called "Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong," by Johann Hari.

Johann Hari discusses how rats that are isolated in a cage with nothing to do prefer water laced with heroin over pure water. These rats will use the heroin until they eventually overdose, and it kills them. However, rats in a cage set up like a "rat park" where they have fun things to do and other rats to socialize with prefer the pure water over the heroin-laced water.

Johann raises some questions about this phenomenon. "What if addiction isn't about your chemical hooks? What if addiction is about your "cage"? What if addiction is an adaptation to your environment?

"Maybe we should call it bonding. When we're happy and healthy we bond and connect with each other. But if you can't do that because you're traumatized, or isolated, or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief. Now, that might be gambling. That might be pornography. That might be cocaine. That might be cannabis. But you will bond and connect with something. Because that's our nature. That's what we want as human beings."

Read the entire article here: LDS Women — Overcoming Pornography: The Opposite Of Addiction Is Connection.

Watch the Ted Talk here: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong | Johann Hari

An Unspoken Struggle: LDS Women Addicted To Pornography

"So. I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and have been my entire life. My struggles with pornography began in 2003 out of a mix of boredom and curiosity. For years now, I have felt like one day I would share my experiences, and that from the things that I've learned, that I would be able to perhaps help just one other person in their struggles. My intent is not to talk about the details of anything, but just how the gospel of Jesus Christ has and is changing me, and helping me through this painful addiction. If you are a woman who is struggling, or know of a woman who is struggling with pornography, let me know. I know that it is difficult, and I know that having someone to talk to can make all the difference in the world. So this is my attempt to reach out to you. If you are a single woman, you are in good company cause so am I. I don't know what it is like to have this struggle in marriage, but if you are married, hopefully there will be something here that can help you too." —Kathryn, LDS Women Struggle Too

Kathryn is a brave single adult woman and active member who contacted me about her addiction to pornography. She had been battling this persistent Goliath for many years, had seen her bishop many times, fasted, prayed and did everything right. But the desire and addiction wouldn't go away, and she would find herself back at square one again and again. Discouraged, frustrated and at times hopeless, this dear sister didn't know what else to do. No matter how hard she prayed, read her scriptures or how sincere her desire to rid her life of porn, it wouldn't go away. As a result, at times she would even question if her faith was sufficient. After all, if faith can move mountains why not rid her of her desire for porn? Additionally, being woman addicted to porn in The Church provided its own difficulties.

If you are a Latter-day Saint woman struggling with porn in any form, you are not alone. I get it, we don't talk about Latter-day Saint woman addicted to porn in The Church. But I assure you, I have seen as many women as men who are struggling, and you are not alone. There is hope! The story of Kathryn is a beautiful one. I encourage you to follow the link to her blog and follow her personal journey. I encourage you to seek her out and ask her questions. If you feel unworthy, unclean and ashamed, I would ask you, are those feelings bringing you closer to Father or further away? It is a common misconception that we must feel shame and guilt. Sorrow, yes—but not shame or guilt. Where shame and guilt are, hope can not prevail. Where there is no hope, despair and depression grow. You can be happy now, even in the mist of battling an addiction or an occasional viewing. Yes, you most definitely can be happy during the battle of your Goliath.

"An Unspoken Struggle" will be a series of blog posts that guide you in your battle, how to turn from shame toward hope, from despair toward courage and how to retain the beauty of intimacy and sexuality while untangling yourself from porn. Unlike most addictions and misuse, we don't want to destroy, avoid or suppress our heavenly gift of sexuality. Too many have "defeated" their Goliaths only to find a new problem when they get married. Then, intimacy becomes difficult, avoided, or triggers past addictions.

If you have any specific thoughts, questions or curiosities that you'd like me to address, please contact me directly or in the comments section.

Other accounts of women overcoming pornography addiction:

No Longer Addicted: My Journey to Overcome Pornography, December 2013 New Era

Pornography Addiction: Is There Hope? (video below)